Moving

I’ve move my site over here, so check there for updates.

Analogy

I was at church tonight, praying while we were doing the Lord’s Supper. Jesus tends to bless me with analogies that make it easier for me to visualize spiritual things. So tonight it was an analogy of my heart… This summer things were so back, my heart was totally broken…. But I refused to let Him set the break so that it would heal correctly. So now I’m limping along because it’s not really healing and it’s twisted and wrong. In order to fix it, I have to allow Him to rebreak it and set it correctly… which is painful… about as painful as the original break. Maybe that won’t make sense to anyone but me, but I get it at least…

In other news, I’ve been accepted by YWAM and am starting to get everything ready. Working on getting a visa for France, writing support letters, finding a job, and looking for inexpensive airfare. I have a feeling time is going to start going really quickly and before you know it, it’ll be March 7 and I’ll be in Lyon, France meeting the people I’m going to be with almost constantly for the next 6 months. Ahh!

Mists of the Night

Woke up this morning in the middle of a very weird nightmare. It was one of those dreams within a dream. I had a nightmare, woke up and was telling people about it, and then more nightmarish things happened. Included lots of random things like characters from a couple of TV shows, my family and pets, random people I know (some I think are recurring dream people), a dark beach, an old theater, kidnapping, guns, vampires, zombies, ghosts/demons…. Sounds like fun, right? It was really confusing too… Things kept changing. I have recurring dreams about dark theaters and beaches… as well as caves/basements, attics… Not sure what that’s all about. And recently it’s been demon/vampire things attacking me, going for my neck… Whenever I dream of Satan/demons, he always goes straight for my neck like a wild animal… Anyway… I still feel kind of shaky/jumpy and i got up almost 3 hours ago…

Haven’t been sleeping well for the past month… it seems that either i can’t sleep all the way through the night or i wake up in the morning in the middle of a nightmare. Not sure which one is better…

Lyon-Oh!

I long for your salvation, O Lord,
and your law is my delight.
Let my soul live and praise you,
and let your rules help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant,
for I do not forget your commandments.
- Psalm 119:174-176

I’ve been reading the biography about a woman suffering with depression. She loves Jesus, but just had so much baggage in her life that she was closed off and scared of everyone, kind of like me. So, she checked herself into a mental institution and just took a year, with no responsibilities, no demands on her. And she just focused on Jesus, on working through her past with him, on spending time out in his creation. Oh, how I wish I could do something of the sort! To get away from all the demands and expectations that I feel so unable to meet and just be able to live without that stress for a little while! Maybe God will give me some of that this next semester since I won’t be in school…

And I am so excited to go overseas! Last time I went was one of the hardest, but one of the best times in my life. And the whole trip sounds amazing! I start off with 3 months of classes in Lyon, France studying topics like Knowing God, the Holy Spirit, hearing God’s voice, the cross and salvation, etc. Also, there will be a focus on worshipping God through art. So maybe I’ll get to break out my drawing or poetry again. I haven’t done either in a really long time, but I used to love both. And in addition to the studying, I’ll be living in community with other young people, get to do some service work, and evangelize on the weekends. And lots of time to spend with Jesus on my own too! Then, I head out to another country, which will probably be Senegal. Also exciting because it is a French-speaking, Muslim country. So exciting! Now I just need to be accepted…

And, I think I would really like seminary. Hopefully God will let me go someday…

It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it

ESV Study Bible

It’s been close to a month since I’ve posted anything, and the “hankering” has come upon me again. I’ve been thinking about writing for about 2 weeks now, but just haven’t actually sat down to do it. But I am now, although I should probably be doing homework…

I finally got my ESV Study Bible, and I’m so excited about it! I even bought a brand-new pink highlighter for it. I’d forgotten how cool the Old Testament is. Like many, I tend to spend a disproportionate amount of time in the New Testament. But the beauty of following a Bible reading plan is that I’m being “forced” to read from the beginning, spending a portion of time each day in the Old Testament. It’s great. I also really like the access to the online version. Listening to the Word is great, and it’s sweet to have access to the same resources even if I don’t have the Bible with me (it is rather large).

Life is moving forward too quickly for me, and it’s a bit frightening. At this point, there are 3 weeks left in the semester. That’s all! And then, God-willing, I’ll be home for 3 months and then in France. I’d really like it if life could just stop for a little while and let me catch up. Most mornings I wake up and have to drag myself out of bed. It’s a battle to actually go to my classes (and I lose a lot). My grades are slipping. I’ve pushed away almost all my friends, but don’t usually have the energy to try to fix that. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in… close to a month now. So yeah… life is pretty crappy right now… and I’ve made it that way. Depression sucks.

Being at home was good for the most part. It’s nice to just be around my family, get hugs from my dad, bake with my mom, hang out with my sister. It’s hard going to larger family gatherings, though, like my grandparents’ Thanksgiving. Not only are there too many people for me (my dad has 7 siblings), but it’s hard to not feel like a failure. The typical relative questions aren’t so fun: what are you studying? what are your plans? are you dating anyone? Linguistics, to be a missionary, and no aren’t quite the answers they’re looking for, so they generally just move on to talk to my brothers about their future careers as an engineer and a doctor or their girlfriends. Much more respectable…

I’m in the middle of about 10 books right now, which is fun. It’s about the only thing I can motivate myself to do. Although, this line made me mad when I read it. I almost threw the book away. “With that kind of knowledge, it will make you the most spiritual person in your prayer group!” Oh, really? But I think some of the things said are good, so I’ll keep reading. Oh, and if you want a book to help understand depression, The Hidden Life by Crenshaw and Snapp is a good biography.

My fingers

The picture to the left is of my pointer fingers. The one on the right is a bit swollen and discolored, if you couldn’t tell. It looks a lot better now than when I did it, though. WiiSports can be dangerous… ha ha. I think I was subconsciously trying to hurt myself though, because I burned my arm on the stove making pear tarts and then I did that to myself playing Wii. Exciting break…

I should be doing homework. I have to give a presentation on Wednesday about religious fanatics for my Muslim Cultures class, and I haven’t started researching. But honestly, I don’t even really know where to start on that subject. It’s very broad…

So, I’m a selfish, prideful, fearful, faithless person. I’m not afraid to admit that. But I don’t know how to move past that into freedom and love in Christ. I see my sin and it traps me because I’m afraid to let go of it. If that makes sense. Like, I struggle with bitterness: people hurt me and I let it turn into bitterness. But I’m afraid to let go of that because then people just keep hurting me. I hold them at arm’s length so they can’t cut me again and letting go of that means letting them get close again. Or the things that have become idols in my life. I know they’re not good for me, but I’m afraid of letting them go because I feel like they’re better than nothing. And I see the logical, biblical flaws in that thinking, but seeing it and changing it are two different battles.

As has been mentioned various places, there was a study released recently linking TV watching to unhappiness. Although they cannot say much about a causal relationship between the two, I know in my own life I’ve noticed a link. For me, however, it is the unhappiness that causes the TV watching. It’s an escape from the real world. I think too much and when I’m unhappy I just want to stop thinking about things for a while, stop hurting or stop being angry, and TV provides a way to do that… It’s an easy way to avoid the problems of real life for a while…

I could go on (and on and on) but I think it’s getting a little long-winded, so I’m off.

Aches

There are days when my heart just aches. It doesn’t always have a reason behind it that I can tell. Sometimes things happen that really hurt… and believing that God has it under control takes away the worry, stress, fear, but it leaves behind an ache, a longing for the time when He will wipe away every tear and there will be no more pain. This morning I saw a poster for study abroad in Poland. And I have no idea why, but I took one look at the photo and almost started crying. Sometimes I think God gives me a glimpse of the love He has for all nations because I was just filled with an overwhelming longing for them to know Him and a sadness for those who are blinded by Satan and turn their backs in rebellion.

And yet I’m so full of contradictions. In the same day that can happen and then later I can be overwhelmed by worry and fear, feeling lonely and wondering if God will ever provide close relationships with other members of the body, a place to serve and belong without fear, a mate for companionship and leadership, and the list goes on.

And then there’s the fact that I love Him so deeply and I so desire for Him to have His way in me, yet I’m terrified of that, because I know it will involve intense pain and suffering. I may not have experienced much physical pain, but I’ve tasted emotional, spiritual pain and it’s really hard to knowingly walk towards that… I’ve thought before that He might have chosen me to die for His glory in another country as a martyr. I don’t know if that will happen, but honestly, that’s almost easier to face than emotional pain that may be coming. Refining fire is still fire. It still burns. And burns can be agonizing. But… “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” That is the hope.

I’m reading two John Piper books right now, Future Grace and Spectacular Sins, and I have to say that I’m enjoying them quite a bit and learning a lot. God’s sovereignty is hard to swallow sometimes, mostly I think because it goes against our pride and the little box we try to shove God into. But He is sovereign over everything that happens, good and evil, and it’s all for His glory. It’s easy to say that evil is a result of Satan or man’s rebellion and leave it at that, but that is to lessen the glory of God, who chose to create man and Satan in the first place and then sent His Son to pay the debt they’ve created.

Also, I started using one of those one-year Bible reading plans. In the past I’ve never chosen to use them because they’ve frustrated me to no end. Either I wanted to read something else but felt like I had to stick to the plan or I fell behind and then felt guilt and pressure to catch up. I didn’t like it. But so far I’m really enjoying it. I’m reading parts of the Word that I rarely choose to read on my own. It’s easier to be consistent because there’s never that moment of panic when I sit down and think “What should I read?”. If I miss a day, I’ll just pick up the next day where I left off. And my hunger for the Word is returning. Another ache: the ache to hear His voice, to know Him through His words, to “walk in the way of the Lord.” He is beautiful and His words reveal that.

Random Joys

• I really like walking around with my ipod on. It makes me feel like my life has a soundtrack.
• Green tea is quickly becoming a staple for me. I love it. Hot or cold (but not lukewarm).
• Highlighting. So. Much. Fun. I typically avoid highlighting in textbooks because I can sell them for more without it, but every other book I read I prefer to own rather than borrow so that I can highlight to my heart’s content.
• Walking outside and seeing magenta leaves scattered in the green grass with bright sunlight lighting up both. Beautiful. (I took some of the leaves with me)

It’s good to notice things like that today. The speech I have to give tomorrow is already looming over my head. It’s pretty bad when you start feeling sick to your stomach almost 24 hours before it actually happens. And it’s not even that big of a deal. It’s 5 minutes… Ahh…

Deep Thoughts While Avoiding Homework

I started reading Future Grace by John Piper. It’s good so far. In the third chapter, he talks about his personal battle with anxiety and how school was really difficult for him. I have to say that I think I fully understand what it was like for him. Public speaking is so stressful… the worry starts attacking weeks (sometimes even months) before I actually have to give the speech. In high school, I seriously considered not turning in homework so that my GPA would drop and then I wouldn’t have to give a speech at graduation. That’s how impossible it seemed. It’s gotten better… God has grown me since I’ve been at college and I’m a bit more secure. But it’s still difficult. As soon as I stand up and see all the people staring at me, my mind goes completely blank and everything I’ve practiced or memorized or studied beforehand is gone. Sometimes some of it comes back, but it is with stumbling speech and many pauses that it comes out of my mouth. So, it’s encouraging to hear that John Piper, one of the most well known speakers/writers in the Evangelical Christian circle, struggled with the same thing. If God can use him, if God could use Moses, in spite of their overwhelming anxiety or bumbling speech, then can’t He use me?

It’s an everyday battle, though. Fear, stress, anxiety are always at my throat. There are very few times/places where I feel completely at peace. This week it’s a French oral presentation that’s got me worried. But on Wednesday it’ll be over in less than 5 minutes and no one will probably remember it later. So what am I so worried about? I look ahead to everything that’s going to happen and I’m paralyzed, overwhelmed by the weight of burdens that I’m not supposed to lift yet. Instead of worrying about today and trusting that God gives strength enough for that, I look at all the stressful times to come and fear being crushed. And that’s just one aspect of it. The other side of it is fear of man, the need for acknowledgement from other human beings to feel as if I have value, when God has already told me I do. He formed me before the foundations of the world. He sent His only Son to die for me. He is always loving, always merciful, always full of grace. He uses me and sustains me and strengthens me. Why would He waste all that on someone with no value to Him? And even if He did, the very fact that He gave me all these things gives me value.

I need to be kicked out of this vicious cycle that I’m in. I read my Bible and pray. I’m hungry for it. But then the attacks come. I get convinced that He’s not answering my prayers and that I’m not learning anything from the Scriptures. So, slowly, they become more infrequent. And then I really feel far away. I’m so thirsty, I crave His words, yet I feel as if I don’t know how to access them, so I don’t even try. Eventually, the hunger becomes too much, it overwhelms me and I come crawling back to Him on my belly begging to be fed. And then it starts all over again. I long for consistency. I long to be able to fight the lies that Satan tells me and hold fast to the Bread of Life. I long to be steadily filled so that I can give to others, instead of starving myself. But it’s difficult. As Paul said, “I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.”

I really, really love God. And I really, really love people. But I rarely get to show it because I let fear get in the way. Fear and love can’t coincide, for “perfect love casts out fear”, but unfortunately I generally choose the fear…

Entertaining Angels

This morning I helped teach Sudanese refugee women how to use the computer, and it was so much fun! It was so difficult, but so good. You don’t really think about just how much knowledge we’ve just picked up and how much needs to be explained to people who maybe haven’t even seen a computer before. How do you explain what a “website” is? Or a computer application? Or a web browser? Or even what the internet is? And to make it harder, how do you explain those things to someone who barely speaks English? The woman I was working with was really sweet and she tried really hard, but I’m not sure how much she was actually able to learn. She spoke practically no English, so a lot of what I was saying went right over her head, I think. And she couldn’t even read what things on the screen said… But at the same time, we made progress. She learned how to use the mouse and click on things, at least.

I think that if I didn’t end up overseas I would absolutely love to work with refugees here in the US, teaching English or even other skills, like computer. That would be amazing. (I have a window up with random Bible verses, and Hebrews 13:2 just came up. Seems appropriate).

Don’t really feel like saying anything else for now…

I think God is laughing at me

It’s the downhill slope from here. This week has been crazy. I’ve pretty much been working on homework non-stop since Saturday (except Sunday, of course, which is my Sabbath). I’m so tired. But it’s good to be able to take a break for a while… although I think next week might be just as bad since I’m taking a break tomorrow through the weekend pretty much. We’ll see how it goes… 19 credits aren’t so bad most of the time, it’s just weeks like these when every single professor decides to assign things that it gets overwhelming.

Sometimes God likes to surprise me and answer prayers that I don’t think are important enough to be answered. It’s like He’s laughing at my lack of faith, like He’s saying “See! I told you I loved you! I told you I listen to you!” and it makes me laugh. I have an issue with taking tests in really huge lectures. I tend to get done before most other people and I hate sitting in the middle of the row and having to crawl over people to get out in the middle of the test. So, I asked God if He would let me get a seat near the aisle. And lo and behold, I walk in and the TA points me to a seat on an aisle. Seems like a small thing, but if He cares about the small things, then won’t He care about the big ones too?

Also, I’ve been asking for a lot of help recently. I’ll just be throwing up things throughout the day like “Please help me forgive this person” or “Please help me to trust You” or “Please give me courage to speak out.” And tonight I caught myself thinking that I needed to stop asking for so many things, that I’m being a burden and should do things on my own. Ha ha. He just calmly said, “I like it when you ask me for these things.” So often my pride and desire for control get in the way. It shows humility when we ask God for help because we’re admitting we can’t do it on our own. It pleases Him to help us walk as He would have us walk. But Satan likes to twist it around, making me think that I should be independent. And, as I’ve mentioned before, for some reason I have a very hard time thinking that it’s possible to love a weak person. So I try to be strong and independent in everything… I don’t like to let people (or even God, not that He’s unaware) in on my weaknesses. But yeah, point is: He’s pleased when I humbly ask for help, and I need to remember that.

Kellie comes back tomorrow. I’m not sure how I feel about that… excited, but really nervous and scared. It could go really well or really badly. I guess there’s some other things to ask Him about…

Oh, the Irony

Today is another day that I’m just not feeling the love. I tell myself that my Father loves me, and that’s the most important. But I really don’t feel that right now. I feel utterly alone.

And here’s the ironic part. I’m feeling unloved, so I call the one of the few people who I actually believe cares, and I end up feeling less loved than I did in the beginning. When you want a shoulder to cry on, it’s not a good feeling to have a person get angry for “imposing on” them.

And on top of that… I still haven’t managed to convince myself that it’s ok to show weakness. I still believe somehow that in order to be loved/liked you have to be strong and do things right. So when I’m pushed away and discouraged when I actually do show some weakness, it tends to just reinforce that belief.

So it’s a hard night to believe truth. It doesn’t help that I haven’t been sleeping well and that I’m stressed out because of school, both of which make tend to make me more emotional. I wish I could go home this weekend and just hang out with my family and my cats. Even though my mom can sometimes be critical, home is still a place where I feel relaxed, loved, and safe. That’s what I’d like right now. Too bad my family’s in Washington DC and my best friend is visiting this weekend. That means no slowing down…

I can’t wait for the day when my Abba finally brings me to the place where I believe His love. He’s taught me about unconditional love so many times, and every time I believe it for a few days until life and Satan’s lies tempt me to doubt and I give it up. And then He slowly brings me to that place again. It’s like a new epiphany every time. I always wonder why I have such a hard time believing it. But then it happens all over again… But He’s good; maybe every time I believe His love, I’ll believe it for longer and longer. Maybe He’ll teach me how to fight for it. And definitely someday I’ll get to stand before Him and actually see it on His face. I just have to make it until then…

I am weak, but He is strong.

It’s interesting how God provides for us in unexpected ways. As my last post I’m sure showed, I was feeling pretty down, extremely alone. And tonight God gave me fellowship in a place I rarely go.

It was my brother’s birthday today, so I baked him an apple pie since I couldn’t afford to buy an actual present. I brought it over to him and got to spend the evening with him and some friends, which was actually really good. Sometimes my brother can be jerky, but he’s also really good at making me feel loved a lot of the time. So, it was really nice to be able to hang out with him, his friend Laura (who I’d never met, but who is very sweet), Aaron (who is always fun to be with), and Aaron’s roommate. Sitting around listening to them talk about their nerdy engineering things, playing odd German board games, eating Mexican food. It was refreshing.

It’s kind of bittersweet… I had fun tonight. But it still hurts me some because I feel like the friends who I thought cared about me dropped the ball. There are no calls to see how I’m doing. I feel like people generally don’t contact me unless they need something from me. So there’s joy, but there’s also pain.

Other random things:

This week is going to be crazy. I have three tests, a quiz, and about eight homework assignments to get done before Thursday, and on top of that I’m meeting with people for Nations Night followup, need to work on my application for YWAM, am supposed to be working on an annotated bibliography for a final project, and need to work on a French oral presentation due in another week. So, I’m a bit stressed to say the least…

I talked to my mom on the phone for a little while tonight. That’s pretty normal. But when she was getting ready to hang up she said “I love you.” That’s not normal. I remember my dad saying it all the time and he always says it on the phone, but I don’t really remember my mom saying it much and she definitely didn’t close her calls that way. So, that’s odd. Good, but odd.

I also need to find a way to work in some serious prayer time this week in between everything else. When I don’t have that much time, I feel really… thirsty. I think that’s the best way to describe it. I’m feeling extrememly thirsty and I need a few hours to pray. I don’t know how that will happen, but maybe…

Stumbling…

So, I’m feeling kind of down tonight and I’m not exactly sure what brought it on. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things that are really difficult. My head is spinning, but I feel like I have so much due this week that I won’t have time to think about it.

I struggle so much with comparing myself to others. Not everyone else, but people who I think are closer to perfection than I am. I look at other people, see things they are/do that makes them valuable to others and then I beat myself up for not being/doing the same things. I compare myself to people who it seems others think have worth and because I always come up short, I don’t feel like I do. I feel invisible all the time… Nobody notices… nobody cares. I can disappear indefinitely and no one notices….

Sure, I have worth through Christ. But right now I’m not believing that…. And I definitely don’t believe that other people see that worth.

I feel like I’m stalled… I can’t move forward or back. I’m stuck on the side of the road. And everyone else is speeding past me. Soon I’ll be left alone on the side of the highway…

And I don’t know what to do about it. I know I can’t change myself… but it’s hard not to want God to change me faster. And I don’t know what to do about relationships. People have their little groups formed and I don’t know how to break into them. Sure I can call people and hang out, but that’s a one-time thing… I’m still on the outside. And on top of everything… I’m only here until December. It almost seems like it’s not even worth trying because if I actually managed it, I’d just be leaving anyway.

And I know the overall answer to all of this: Trust God and He’ll provide everything I need in His time. But today I’m not able to. Today I don’t have the strength. Today is one of those days when you just cry yourself to sleep and pray that tomorrow will bring hope and new strength.

‘Tis so sweet

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

Restless Nights

Yesterday evening I was struck with restlessness. I’d been feeling at peace since I got back from the retreat, just resting and waiting on the Lord. But all of the sudden I felt like I needed to go somewhere or do something, but I have no idea what I need to do or where I need to go. My sleep was even restless last night, waking up multiple times throughout the nighttime. And today I still feel… off. So I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s not exactly fun.

Other things:

I read an interview with Lecrae on Mark Driscoll’s blog yesterday and checked out their new CD. It seems pretty solid, which is sweet. It’s really cool to find musicians who put a lot of thought, theology, maturity, etc. into their music. Not that there’s anything wrong with the “I love you Jesus” songs, but sometimes it’s good to hear music that deals with real issues facing Christians. So yeah, it’s good stuff. Check it out.

Mark mentioned in his blog a while back that there’s a prophecy in circulation about God’s wrath on America. He seemed skeptical about the whole thing, but it seems to tie in with the verses I’ve been getting recently… And I hadn’t really heard much about the idea before that happened, so I really think it’s a God-thing. Anyway, I’m praying, and if you think about it, maybe you should too.

I ordered a new book by John Piper called Spectacular Sins And Their Global Purpose in the Glory of Christ and I’m really excited to start reading it. It’s one of those weird things that really interests me to look at past and present and see how “all things work together for good for those who know God” and in order to show His glory. I look at different events in my life and can see so clearly how they led to other things that brought me closer to God. And it’s interesting to think of how our sins are used in God’s plan… so I’ll let you know how it goes when I get the book.

And just for fun: